Macnophobia... Worse than the Swine Flu

I have a confession...two actually.

I love technology.

I hate cotton headed ninny-muggins.

Today I am faced with a dilemma. A powerful piece of technological goodness is set to hit the market tomorrow morning, called the iPhone 3Gs. This fine device is equipped with everything I find great in a handheld device. It has a list a mile long of fancy doodads, including GPS, Music, Video, Internet, MMS, Camera, Voice Recognition.... ... this is just the beginning. The applications this rectangular hockey puck can download make my job go so much easier. (I have been using it’s little brother the Ipod Touch for almost a year now.) There are conversion tools and calculators that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere.

I really haven’t scratched the surface on just how fantastic I think this device is. I am very excited about it’s release. ...But.

As there must be an opposition in all things... Here too I am plagued by a problem with the Iphone. The manufacturer has placed an icon of an apple with a bite out of it on the back of this device. By so doing, they have summoned all the douche bags from all the land, to surround the only retail establishments that will house this treasure. You see, this symbol is the international sign for cotton headed ninny-muggins. You’ll know when you see one on the street. Often times they have some or all of the following traits:

-If they are wearing glasses, they will always be, thick, dark framed. Often rectangular in shape

-They either have an especially clean appearance, or they look homeless. There is no middle ground.

-If they don’t actually work at the Mac store, they might be wearing cargo shorts.

-They drive either a Volkswagen Golf or a Subaru. (often or always with a white silhouette of a half eaten apple pasted to the back window.)

-Might be mistaken for being gay...or quite likely, there is no mistake at all.

-These people have very skinny arms and hands. Even if their body is overweight.

-They are usually not an actual designer, or have any practical use for a Mac.

You probably wouldn’t notice these people in public whipping out their iPhone every 10 minutes to take a call. In fact, they likely call themselves once a day from a landline to be sure there isn’t a problem with their phone, or to try out their new ringtone. If their iPhone rings in public, chances are high, that it was a wrong number.

A convergence of these flaccid individuals that has occurred twice historically, will be occurring once again on Friday, June 19, 2009. (The iPhone 3Gs release date).

...For the first time ever...I will be seeking the same treasure they seek. I am on the pre-order list for the iPhone.

I have been going through this routine over and over in my head, on how I might be able to avoid eye contact with these people. How I might avoid casual conversation from these career line-waiters. I do not know if their disorder is contagious. But I do not want to be like them, or be mistaken for one of their affiliates. So I have devised a few plans on how I can attain my iPhone without having to interact with the monkeys. I will list them below:

-I have high hopes, that the iPhone will ‘sell out’ to walk-in buyers by about noon. So I can walk into the store, and grab my designated one and get the hell out of there. I have timed myself, I can hold my breath for exactly 74 seconds. Which leaves me about a minute and a half short of what it should take to complete the transaction. I can either step outside and take a fresh breath, or wear a mask and act like I am concerned about the Swine Flu.

-As another option, I could wear a disguise. Kind of like when that guy in “The Mummy”, acted like one of the zombies and went with the mob, they seemed to leave him alone. ...Which begs the question, do I wear a costume like the one I described above, to blend in? Or do I wear one to mess with their emotions? Nothing would make me happier than to pop their red balloon. ...I mean, I could dress just like the guy that used to beat them up in high school (letterman jacket, cool hair, etc.) I am positive that a costume like this would not only make them avoid me, but it would likely cause them to feel awkwardly uncomfortable on a level they haven’t felt in a long time. It might even score me a place in line at the front. I might even take their lunch money and a copy of their homework just for effect... so they know I mean business.

-I could make a giant iPhone costume, and wear that down there. (I am really excited about this one). I could hand out giant foam fingers, that have a giant foam iPhone in them. My enthusiasm would rob them of any dignity they might assume they have. They would quickly realize the level of uncoolness they have when they see that costume. They would be embarrassed for me. If I could get through to just one of them... If just one would think, even for a moment ...”This is wierd...what am I doing here?” ...then my efforts will not be in vain.

Those last 2 options would only help entertain and distract me while waiting for my phone. Kind of like the medical diagrams on the wall of the doctors office do when you have to get a shot.

Anyway, my hopes are that this will clear up any confusion my close friends might feel when they see me with this device in hand. I will likely either cover the ‘apple’ with a decal, or put a decal of a cartoon worm in it. Anything to make it known that I do not embrace the culture that worships the half eaten apple. Mark my words I WILL NOT CONVERT. I am only tasting the sweet nectar of the technology.

I am typing this from a MacBook Pro that I inherited from my boss. I make it known to all around me that I love the sleek look of the computer, but could do without the radio-active icon on the cover. I run Windows XP on this machine, and use it more than OSX.

For almost 10 years, my good friend Pete, and my brother-in-law Greg have been trying to get me to convert. I know that Pete loves the technology, but can share my distain for the culture. Greg on the other hand...I can’t help but think if he was 20 years younger, that he would be getting some new glasses and be shopping for a VW. I’ve battled with him about this for a long time...and he got a chuckle out of the fact I finally ordered the iPhone. Make no mistake Greg. I will use the technology, but I will be sure to use it as a blogging device to expose this bizarre culture for what it is... i’ll be using your own technology against you... Just wait.

Your Clinical Macaphobic Cool Guy,

-JD